Adult jokes are just that, aimed at adults and I take no credit for any on this page. Their original source or words belong to whoever and started wherever. I tell them my way. If they make you smile or chuckle like they originally did to me then that is great. If not then I hope you find your sense of humour one day.
As defined by Collins Online Dictionary: “An adult is a mature, fully developed person. An adult has reached the age when they are legally responsible for their actions”. Generally, that means 18 and over but if you are under 18 or easily offended then you are on the wrong page.
Turner Brown
There are two men in a lift. One of them is a small skinny Irish bloke and the other is a huge guy. The big man sees the little Irish man staring up at him and says to him, “7 feet, 25 stone, 20-inch cock, 3 pound balls, Turner Brown.”
The little Irish man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to by softly shaking him.
In a weak voice, the little bloke says, ” What exactly did ya just say to me?”
The big bloke answered, “I saw your curious look and I figured I would give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me when they see me… 7 feet, 25 stone, 20-inch cock, 3 pound balls, Turner Brown.”
The sweating little Irish man replied, ” Sweet Jasus, I tought you said TURN AROUND!”
The Hillbilly Hunter
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its arse, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky huntin’ license, boy?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its arse, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its arse, and said, “This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, “Just where the hell are you from?”
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the fuckin’ expert!”
Viagra
One day John went to see his 94-year-old grandpa at his nursing home. When he got there he observed him looking happy and sprightly and that pleased him.
“How are you doing grandpa?” he asks.
“I’m feeling fine son”, replied the old man.
“What’s the food like?” continued the grandson.
“It’s lovely”, said the old man. “The menus are fantastic. We had beef stew today. It was almost as good as your grandma’s was.”
“And the nursing? How is that?” John said.
“It couldn’t be any better.” replied his grandad. These young nurses really look after us all here.”
“What about sleeping? Are you sleeping well enough?” asked John.
“There is no problem with that at all.” the old man replied.” I get eight solid hours a night. At 10 pm they bring me a hot cup of chocolate up and give me a viagra tablet, and that’s it, I go out like a light.”
John was alarmed to hear this and a bit confused so he rushed off to question the nurse in charge.
“Hello.” He said. “I was wondering if you could clear something up for me please?” He then told her what his dad had just told him.
“Oh yes,” replied the nurse. “He has told you correctly. Every night at 10 pm we give him a hot cup of chocolate and a viagra, it works ever so well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep right away and the viagra stops him from rolling out of the bed!”
In Heat
One day a young girl asks her mom, “Mom, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Her mum replies, “No you can’t because she is in heat.”
“What does that mean?” asked the child.
“Go and ask your dad. He is in his shed.”
The girl goes out to the shed and says, “Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to ask you.”
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, scrubbed the dog’s fanny with it to disguise the scent, and said, “OK, you can go now, but keep Lulu on her lead and only go one time around the block.”
The young girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on its lead.
The puzzled dad asked, “Where’s Lulu?”
His daughter replied, “She ran out of petrol about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home!”
Potato Clock
One day Paddy went into a John Lewis department store and asked one of the shop assistants, “Excuse me soir, but have ya got annie potato clocks?”
The assistant glares at him and says, “Are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks and alarm clocks. What the fuck is a potato clock?
Paddy replied, ” I don’t know but I start my new job at noin tomorrow and the woif said to me I better get a potato clock!”
The Midget
Me and this midget were in the pub toilets the other day taking a piss and he kept winking at me.
I said, ” Sorry mate, I am not gay.”
He replied, “Neither am I but you keep fucking splashing in my eye!”
Fugly
I was at a wedding recently and I whispered to the bloke next to me, “Isn’t that bride a right fucking ugly dog?”
“Do you mind?” came the angry reply, ” That is my daughter you are talking about.”
“Oh, I am sorry mate,” I said back rather embarrassed, ” I didn’t know you were her father.”
“I’m not!” Boomed the response, ” I am her fucking mother!”
STOP!
During my latest check-up at my doctor’s surgery, the very pretty nurse said to me, ” I think you should stop wanking!”
“Why nurse” I replied, “Will I go blind?”
“No” she answered, ” It’s because I am still talking to you!”
The Epileptic
I was in the pub last night telling a friend a joke about an epileptic, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath?” My mate said he didn’t know and I told him, “Throw the washing in.”
There was a bloke at the next table who overheard the joke and said to me, “My brother is an epileptic and he had a fit in the bath and died.”
Fuck me, if the ground could have swallowed me up right there and then I would have been happy. I replied, ” I am so sorry to hear that mate, did he drown?”
“No”, he said, “He choked on one of my fucking socks!”
Don’t Feed The Monkies
On his last day trip to Dudley Zoo Paddy was throwing lots of 20-pound notes into the monkey enclosure. The zoo keeper tells him to stop right away as it is not allowed.
Paddy responded with, ” Of course it’s allowed!”
NO, IT IS NOT!” shouted the zoo keeper sternly.
“Bejasus, it is for sure it is!” replied Paddy. ” It says roight here on this soign.. Don’t feed the monkeys. £20 foin!”
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