Jokes: More Adult Jokes (Part One)


Image © of VHV.RS

Adult jokes are just that, aimed at adults and I take no credit for any on this page.  Their original source or words belong to whoever and started wherever.  I tell them my way.  If they make you smile or chuckle like they originally did to me then that is great.  If not then I hope you find your sense of humour one day.

As defined by Collins Online Dictionary: “An adult is a mature, fully developed person.  An adult has reached the age when they are legally responsible for their actions”.  Generally, that means 18 and over but if you are under 18 or easily offended then you are on the wrong page.

An old man is lying in bed one day and looks down at his dick, “We have been through a lot together old friend” He sighs, “We were born together, we played together, we got married together, we had kids together but why did you have to go and die before me?!

No Onions

A woman goes to a farmers market. She comes upon a fruit and vegetable stand.  She asks the man at the stand, “Do you have any onions?”

The man replies, “No.” The woman continues her shopping at the farmers market and comes back to his stand ten minutes later. “Do you have any onions?” she asks.

 “No!” the man said.  She leaves the stand and continues her shopping.  She comes back ten minutes later and asks the man “Do you have any onions?”

The man says, “NO! Listen, how do you spell the ‘Straw’ in

Strawberry?”

The lady says, “S-t-r-a-w”.

The man asks, “How do you spell the ‘Rasp’ in raspberry?”

The lady replies, “R-a-s-p”.

The man asks, “How do you spell the ‘Fuck’ in onions?”

The lady replies, “There is no ‘Fuck’ in onions”

The man says, “THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!”

Sex Education

Johnny, a 9-year-old boy, came home from school one day and his mom asks him what the lesson was that day.  “Sex” he replies.

“I didn’t study that subject until I  was in secondary school,” said his mom.  “For lying to me you can go up to your room and stay there!”

His older sister gets back from school shortly after that time and her mom tells her what happened.  “Johhny wasn’t lying” she said, ” When I was 9 years old we had a sex education lesson.  Things have changed since you were at school mom.”

Feeling guilty the mom says ” I better go and apologise to Johhny.”

She goes up to his room and through the partially closed door she sees Johnny wanking.   “When you are through with your homework son you can come down for your supper,” She tells him.

The Heimlich Manouvere 

Two blokes were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools away began to choke on some peanuts.  She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.  One said to the other, “That bird over there is having a bad time!” The other agreed and said, ” Do you think we should go and help her?”

“You bet,” said his mate, and with that, he ran over and said, ” Can you breathe?” She shook her head no.  He said, ” Can you speak?” She again shook her head no.  With that, he pulled up her shirt and licked her on her arse.  She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe.  With relief, the good samaritan goes back to his friend and says, ” It is funny how that hind lick manoeuvre always works!”

The Drunk

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the barman where’s the toilet at? The barman told him to go down the hall and make a right.  Well all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the toilet? A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the toilet again.  This time the barman goes to the toilet to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.  He opened the door and asked the drunk, ” What’s all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away.”

The drunk said, ” I’m sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”  With that, the barman opens up the door and looks in and says, “No wonder, you’re sitting on my mop bucket!”

Swearing

A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom,  “You know what?” said the seven-year-old, ” I think it’s about time we start swearing.”  The four-year-old nodded his head in approval.  “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m going to say shit, and you say arse, OK?” The four-year-old agreed with enthusiasm and they both went downstairs to the kitchen.  Their mom walked in and asked the seven-year-old what he wanted for breakfast.  “Oh shit mom, I guess I’ll have some cornflakes.” WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

The mom then looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, “And what do you want for breakfast young man?”

“I don’t know,” He blubbered, “but you can bet your arse it won’t be those fucking cornflakes!”

A Glass Of Cider

A little girl came running into her house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand.  “Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.

“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked her mom.

“I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away! said the little girl.  Confused, but weary of her child’s whining, the mom obliged and poured her a glass of cider.  The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.  “Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!” she whined.

“What are you talking about?” asked her increasingly perplexed parent. “Why did you ask for a glass of cider then?

The little girl replied, “Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider!”

Bank Policy

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the lady at the window, “I want to open a fucking account.”  To which the astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you.  What did you say?”

Listen up, shit head.  I said I want to open a pissing account right now!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.” So without saying anything else the lady leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about the situation.  They both return and the manager asks the old man, “What seems to be the problem here, sir?”

There is no bastard problem, you wanker!” the man replies, “I have just won 50 million pounds in the fucking lottery and I want to open a fucking account in this fucking bank!”

“I see,” says the manager excitedly, “and this fucking bitch here is giving you a hard time?”

Bullets

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street one day when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.  Luckily her babies were OK.  The surgeon seeing to her decides to leave the bullets in her because it is too risky to operate.  All is fine for the next 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.  “What’s wrong?” asks her mom.

“I was having a wee and this bullet came out!” replied her daughter.  Her mom tells it’s OK and explains what happened 16 years ago.  About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.  “Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out!”  Again the mom tells her not to worry about it and explained what happened 16 years ago.  A week later the only boy of the family walks into the room in tears.  “It’s OK,” said his mom, “I know what happened, you were having a wee and the bullet came out, yes?”

“NO!” shouted the boy, ” I was wanking off and I shot the dog!”

Tarzan Nookie

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.  She was very attracted to him during her questions to him about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.  “What is sex? he asked.   Jane explained to him what sex was and he said, ” Me use hole in tree trunk.”  Horrified, she replied, “Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.”  She took off all her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide open for him.  “Here,” she told him, “You must put it in here.  Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in her fanny.  Jane rolled around in agony.  Eventually, she managed to gasp, “What the hell did you do that for?” To which Tarzan replied, “Me checking for bees!”

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